Last month Spartacus held an in-store class called Communication in the Bedroom: Asking for What You Want. We had a great group of people turn out and an educational (and fun!) time was had by all.
We talked about the barriers to asking for what we want; fear, shame, uncertainty, and more, as well as what happens when we repress our desires. Next, we explored some common fantasies and class attendees had a chance to workshop some of their own fantasies and work through ways to incorporate seemingly impossible desires into real life play.
For those of you who missed the class, here are some valuable take-aways:
- Sex is something we’re expected to know how to do, even without good models of how to learn. Anything else as complex as sex is taught by example and with hands on practice. So if you’re unsure about something, you’re not alone.
- When you learn to ask open ended questions you get more useful information about what your partner likes. For example, instead of asking “is this okay,” try “would this be better harder or softer?” If you’re still not sure what to say, try “what would make this better?”
- Adding “try” to the question you’re asking, or the activity you’re requesting can remove some pressure. It sounds less goal oriented and creates room for experimentation. For example, instead of asking, “Do you want to get spanked?” consider “would you like to try some spanking?”
- Create a safe space for your partner to talk about what they want by going first. Once you demonstrate vulnerability they might feel more comfortable doing so too.
- Not used to asking for what you want? Try making a game of it. Set aside some time for play, and make a game out of it. Ask for every little thing, “kiss me here, touch me here…”
- Don’t negotiate naked. Make a special time to talk about trying new things, and do it when there’s no rush and everyone is in a good mood (not tired, well fed, etc.)
- Remember, “no” is always a valid answer. If you hear no, take it gracefully.
- What if you’re the one saying no? Try “no thank you,” or add “thank you for asking,” or, if you mean it, “maybe later.”
- Don’t want what was offered but still want something? That’s what negotiation is for. How about, “Thank you for asking, I don’t want _______ but how about we snuggle?”
- If you aren’t sure what you want, take some time to explore your fantasies. What have you enjoyed in the past? What kind of porn, pictures, or stories turn you on?
- You can also explore these things with a partner. Reading erotica together, or watching sexy movies or porn, can give you a shared reference point to talk about things you might like to try.
Generous raffle prizes were given out and after class people took advantage of the 20% discount offered to class attendees and had a great time shopping. Wigs, corsets, and feathers were tried on, and many sex toys were explored.
Sounds like fun, right? Don’t miss out on the next class – Kink 101 on July 19th. We’ll go over common (and uncommon) kinks and explore ways to safely incorporate them into your own play. And be sure to follow Spartacus on Facebook [https://www.facebook.com/spartacus.retail] and Twitter [https://twitter.com/SpartacusPDX] to keep up to date on all the latest news, events, and promotions!